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How to make yourself look really, really stupid without even trying…..
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Wife said “I’m at that age when I need panty liners”, I said “an arse that size would be better with Ocean liners” Doctor says I should be ok to leave hospital in a couple of days.
An American made a similar comment down the road from me.In Norwich we were having tea in the shopping centre beside the castle.
Friend says 'weren't they clever building the castle beside the shopping centre'
Bit of a wit sometimes.
They said something along the lines of "Why did they build Windsor Castle so close to the Airport?"
And it was a genuine question..
I woke up next to a woman I didn't recognise this morning
Then I realised it was the wife smiling
Thanks for calling the S&M support line. Unfortunately all of our operators are tied up at the moment...
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast. What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
My wife had a right go at me when I went to the fancy dress party as a Jelly Baby. I was like, "Alright love don't bite my head off!"
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then, try!"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded, "Come on, what day was I born?"
"Yesterday!" I replied.
I was in a clothes shop and I picked out a really nice shirt, then I went over to the woman standing by the changing rooms. "Mind if I try it on?" I asked.
"No, go ahead."
I said, "You've got great tits, fancy a shag?"
I have finally found my missus G spot...
Her sister had it all the time!
I've just seen a bloke running down the road with a cape on.
I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"
He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"
The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want…
As long as you're the one with the vagina!
It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow so I’ve booked a couple of days at a Luxury resort and spa…
To be honest it'll be nice to get away from her for a bit!
My wife told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience...
She was fucking wrong though,
I found her bald head more of a turn off!
I bought a greyhound yesterday. My wife said, "Are you going to race him?"
I said, "No, he's much faster than me!"
I caught my wife in our bed with her doctor…
So I started putting an apple on our doorstep every morning!
My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"
I said, "The plug hole is blocked?"
I went into a sex shop today. Was shocked to find out how much all my wife's vibrators cost...
She's sitting on a small fortune!
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!
My local pub is bit rough...
The first question in the pub quiz was, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
I said to the doctor, "I've got strawberries growing out of my arse."
The doctor replied, "I've got some cream for that!"
Just as we were heading to bed, the missus asked, "Did you put the wheelie bin out?"
"Er no, I'll do it in the morning," I replied.
"What about the cat?" she said.
So I said, "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be able to push it!"
My teenage son said he knows I can't afford to get him an iPad for birthday, but he said any tablet will do regardless of the make...
He's going to love his Etch-a-Sketch!
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his.
I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person...
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work!
There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once.
If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times!"
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you...
So I took her to Subway and that's where the fight started!
There are some horrible people about...
I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four men in Manchester United shirts playing football with it.
I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up!
A bloke walks into a brothel and says, "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies, "£50".
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says,
She says, "A Manchester United football shirt and a season ticket!"
It's my wife's birthday next week and she's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over our house.
So I've took the hint… And got her a magazine rack!
I said to my son "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?"
He said "I'm off to meet a new girl"
I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know"
"Wear a what dad?"
he said. "You know, put a hat on" I said.
"Do you mean a condom Dad?"
he said. "No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"
My cock nearly made a woman choke last night... She had a mouthful of wine when she saw how small it was!
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet & said, "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left."
I replied, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning!"
Then I realised it was the wife smiling
Thanks for calling the S&M support line. Unfortunately all of our operators are tied up at the moment...
I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast. What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."
My wife had a right go at me when I went to the fancy dress party as a Jelly Baby. I was like, "Alright love don't bite my head off!"
I told a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then, try!"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded, "Come on, what day was I born?"
"Yesterday!" I replied.
I was in a clothes shop and I picked out a really nice shirt, then I went over to the woman standing by the changing rooms. "Mind if I try it on?" I asked.
"No, go ahead."
I said, "You've got great tits, fancy a shag?"
I have finally found my missus G spot...
Her sister had it all the time!
I've just seen a bloke running down the road with a cape on.
I shouted, "Are you a superhero?"
He replied, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"
The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want…
As long as you're the one with the vagina!
It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow so I’ve booked a couple of days at a Luxury resort and spa…
To be honest it'll be nice to get away from her for a bit!
My wife told me how shaving her before sex could be quite a turn on and give for a much smoother experience...
She was fucking wrong though,
I found her bald head more of a turn off!
I bought a greyhound yesterday. My wife said, "Are you going to race him?"
I said, "No, he's much faster than me!"
I caught my wife in our bed with her doctor…
So I started putting an apple on our doorstep every morning!
My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"
I said, "The plug hole is blocked?"
I went into a sex shop today. Was shocked to find out how much all my wife's vibrators cost...
She's sitting on a small fortune!
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!
My local pub is bit rough...
The first question in the pub quiz was, "What the fuck are you looking at?"
I said to the doctor, "I've got strawberries growing out of my arse."
The doctor replied, "I've got some cream for that!"
Just as we were heading to bed, the missus asked, "Did you put the wheelie bin out?"
"Er no, I'll do it in the morning," I replied.
"What about the cat?" she said.
So I said, "Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be able to push it!"
My teenage son said he knows I can't afford to get him an iPad for birthday, but he said any tablet will do regardless of the make...
He's going to love his Etch-a-Sketch!
I had five hundred Kit Kats in my fridge and my mate had one in his.
I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person...
That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work!
There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once.
If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times!"
My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you...
So I took her to Subway and that's where the fight started!
There are some horrible people about...
I heard a cat crying outside so I opened the door and saw four men in Manchester United shirts playing football with it.
I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up!
A bloke walks into a brothel and says, "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies, "£50".
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says,
She says, "A Manchester United football shirt and a season ticket!"
It's my wife's birthday next week and she's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over our house.
So I've took the hint… And got her a magazine rack!
I said to my son "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?"
He said "I'm off to meet a new girl"
I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know"
"Wear a what dad?"
he said. "You know, put a hat on" I said.
"Do you mean a condom Dad?"
he said. "No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"
My cock nearly made a woman choke last night... She had a mouthful of wine when she saw how small it was!
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.
Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet & said, "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it I'll personally eat what's left."
I replied, "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning!"