@ogr1 liked it when I posted i though!!Well done for copying my post..... see lockdown thread YESTERDAY 8.00am
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Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
You got to feel sorry for Philip Schofield...
He's just come out now he's been told to stay in!
A man goes into a chemist and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.
When she finally gets around to him he says,
"I'd like 99 condoms please." The pharmacist says, "99 condoms? Fuck me!"
The man replies, "Better make it 100 then!"
Covid-19 is the worst virus discovered since Gary Glitter took all his computer to PC World...
Just managed to pickup a pack of loo roll from the supermarket, so I no longer need to practice my handstands in the shower!
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers... The Times are rough!
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at maths?"
Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact I am."
Interviewer: "What's 14x27?"
Me: "49." Interviewer: "That's not even close!"
Me: "YeahI know, but it was fast!"
If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are going to find a vaccine before the scientists!
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her some superglue instead...
She's still not talking to me!
A lorry load of marmite has crashed on the M4 this morning...
Police have said to avoid the yeast bound carriageway!
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night,
moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!
Remember watching Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway when they played 'Win The Ads'.
People used to laugh at the toilet roll prize...
Nobody is laughing now!
Went to Asda earlier & saw a fella whose trolley was full with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, loo rolls.
I called him a selfish ladyparts & said he should be ashamed of himself!
He said, "That's all well & good mate but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?"
Just been to Tesco to get todays dinner...
We're having ink cartridge and light bulb stew!
The more food you buy, the more toilet paper you need...
It's a catch-twenty-poo!
Last week, my next door neighbour asked me,
"Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?"
"Thirteen," I said.
Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!"
"So did I!" I said.
He's just come out now he's been told to stay in!
A man goes into a chemist and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.
When she finally gets around to him he says,
"I'd like 99 condoms please." The pharmacist says, "99 condoms? Fuck me!"
The man replies, "Better make it 100 then!"
Covid-19 is the worst virus discovered since Gary Glitter took all his computer to PC World...
Just managed to pickup a pack of loo roll from the supermarket, so I no longer need to practice my handstands in the shower!
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers... The Times are rough!
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at maths?"
Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact I am."
Interviewer: "What's 14x27?"
Me: "49." Interviewer: "That's not even close!"
Me: "YeahI know, but it was fast!"
If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are going to find a vaccine before the scientists!
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her some superglue instead...
She's still not talking to me!
A lorry load of marmite has crashed on the M4 this morning...
Police have said to avoid the yeast bound carriageway!
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night,
moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help.
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!
Remember watching Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway when they played 'Win The Ads'.
People used to laugh at the toilet roll prize...
Nobody is laughing now!
Went to Asda earlier & saw a fella whose trolley was full with hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, loo rolls.
I called him a selfish ladyparts & said he should be ashamed of himself!
He said, "That's all well & good mate but I work here, so can I carry on filling the shelves now?"
Just been to Tesco to get todays dinner...
We're having ink cartridge and light bulb stew!
The more food you buy, the more toilet paper you need...
It's a catch-twenty-poo!
Last week, my next door neighbour asked me,
"Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?"
"Thirteen," I said.
Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!"
"So did I!" I said.
Bastid..!
FFS now is the time to panic!!!!!
Just a heads up The Ministry of Defence have been told to be on standby for complete UK lockdown as of Sunday evening at 6pm... No one is to leave their home's unless you work in Front Line Retail or the NHS...
I heard this directly from my neighbour Trigger who is best friends with a guy called Boycey. Boycey knows a guy named Del who drinks down the pub with his uncle Albert. Albert was in the Navy during the war so knows his stuff.
Just a heads up The Ministry of Defence have been told to be on standby for complete UK lockdown as of Sunday evening at 6pm... No one is to leave their home's unless you work in Front Line Retail or the NHS...
I heard this directly from my neighbour Trigger who is best friends with a guy called Boycey. Boycey knows a guy named Del who drinks down the pub with his uncle Albert. Albert was in the Navy during the war so knows his stuff.
That's a rum decision.
the second one is wrong but it’s still funny
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed...
It’s about to get ugly out there.
A schoolboy told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How did you know it was dead?" she asked. "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," he replied.
"WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed.
"You know," said the boy. "I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didn't move!"
I went to see my Dr yesterday.
He asked me to provide a stool sample, so I’ve enrolled on a basic woodworking course.
He did look concerned when I said it would take a couple of months to produce!
It’s about to get ugly out there.
A schoolboy told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How did you know it was dead?" she asked. "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," he replied.
"WHAT?!" the teacher exclaimed.
"You know," said the boy. "I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didn't move!"
I went to see my Dr yesterday.
He asked me to provide a stool sample, so I’ve enrolled on a basic woodworking course.
He did look concerned when I said it would take a couple of months to produce!
