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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
My wife started her period, she said "I bet you can't go a week without making a joke about it" I said "Ok, you're on"
Quiney
Registered User
A very old man was lying in bed counting out his final hours on earth. He had had a good life. His children loved him,he had made a success of his working life & he had a devoted wife - so devoted in fact that, as he lay preparing to make his peace with his Maker, he could smell delicious aromas rising from the kitchen.
Was she baking? Could he, despite his declining faculties, smell his favourite buns- the currant & sultana buns that she had baked the first time they met at the village cake stall all these years ago? What a charming & thoughtful gesture.
Weak as he was, the old man managed to lift one leg out of bed, swivel himself round & then lift out the other.Standing was a challenge, but he managed, stumbling from the end of the bed to the chest of drawers & then to the bedroom door.Ahead lay the top of the stairs, but beyond lay the kitchen & freshly baked fruit buns. On he lurched, grasping at the bannisters as he lowered his fragile frame gingerly downwards step by step until he reached the hall.
He was feeling faint by now, but he managed to haul himself towards the kitchen door, which he flung open before collapsing on the kitchen floor.Then , with one final effort, the old man grabbed a chair & pulled himself up to reach towards the tray of warm fruit buns. He stretched out a trembling hand & then his wife's spatula came smacking down on it.
"Keep your hands off," she snapped." They're for the funeral."
Was she baking? Could he, despite his declining faculties, smell his favourite buns- the currant & sultana buns that she had baked the first time they met at the village cake stall all these years ago? What a charming & thoughtful gesture.
Weak as he was, the old man managed to lift one leg out of bed, swivel himself round & then lift out the other.Standing was a challenge, but he managed, stumbling from the end of the bed to the chest of drawers & then to the bedroom door.Ahead lay the top of the stairs, but beyond lay the kitchen & freshly baked fruit buns. On he lurched, grasping at the bannisters as he lowered his fragile frame gingerly downwards step by step until he reached the hall.
He was feeling faint by now, but he managed to haul himself towards the kitchen door, which he flung open before collapsing on the kitchen floor.Then , with one final effort, the old man grabbed a chair & pulled himself up to reach towards the tray of warm fruit buns. He stretched out a trembling hand & then his wife's spatula came smacking down on it.
"Keep your hands off," she snapped." They're for the funeral."
And to conclude the tour of the UK it is England's turn....
Quiney
Registered User
Psychiatrist vs Bartender
As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink….“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion
As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink….“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
It’s always better to get a second opinion
A cross-section survey of 1000 people in Bradford, made up of
Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians,
Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro
Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians,
Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro
Geldof in mystery disappearance
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/11/14/emergency-services-called-geldof-disappears-ars/
https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/11/14/emergency-services-called-geldof-disappears-ars/
T.C
Registered User
A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. “You know, Sister,” the cab driver says, “I hope you aren’t too offended, but I’ve always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun.”
The nun thinks for a moment and says, “I’m not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic.”
“Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic,” the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they’re done, the cab driver begins laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the nun asks. “Ha ha!” the cab driver annnounces, “I fooled you sister. The truth is I’m really married and I’m Jewish!”
“That’s okay,” the nun replies, “My name is Bob and I’m on my way to a fancy dress party.”
The nun thinks for a moment and says, “I’m not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic.”
“Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic,” the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they’re done, the cab driver begins laughing.
“What’s so funny?” the nun asks. “Ha ha!” the cab driver annnounces, “I fooled you sister. The truth is I’m really married and I’m Jewish!”
“That’s okay,” the nun replies, “My name is Bob and I’m on my way to a fancy dress party.”